Philosophical InQUEERy

So…. I love sex. I think it’s amazing. When it’s good, it doesn’t just feel good, it leaves me in a better place then before I had it. It’s interesting and fun and a little silly and intense and is probably one of the major motivators in my life (which I have no problem with). Most of these are one night stands or casual things. I don’t think that there will be a time in my life where I won’t be a sexual person.

Something that I continue to combat that I see ALL the time is the SEX = RELATIONSHIP problem. My parents, some of my less than non-judgemental friends, and pretty much anyone who have an opinion about my sex life (or at times DESIRED sex life QQ) have a LOT of shit to say and suggest and demand of me. Lots of “Aren’t you worried about diseases?” and “Don’t you want a ‘real’ relationship?” and “Aren’t you tired of being so immature?” and more than anything else “Sex isn’t the most important thing!”.

To be honest, it seems to me that sex is way more important to heterosexual exclusively monogamous partners than it ever is to me. Here’s what I mean, so the same people that are trying to shame me away from my slutty slutty life are the same people who say that they love their partners more than ANYTHING and that sex is not as important as their “love” (ugh, amorphous love, I despise you). But these same people latch onto their partners genitalia in such a way that sex with anyone else would be a GRAND BETRAYAL. Sexually exclusivity is the DEFINING FEATURE of “traditional relationships”. Anything less than sexual exclusivity isn’t seen as a healthy or real relationship. From that perspective, sex is DEEPLY important to those relationships. The conversation itself about sexual needs being met outside the relationship can’t even be opened, even if the pair has stopped having sex entirely.

All while I see myself eventually ending up in a polyamorous relationship, where sex is important, but only as important as we see it. If we wanted, we could continue to be together (say if we really loved living together for example) and stop having sex with each other (because one of us is not interested currently and the other can seek sexual companionship outside the relationship). In the suggested case sex isn’t the MOST important part of the relationship and we find a way to keep the things we do like without forcing either party to do something they don’t want to (sex or to go without sex).

In this way I could see myself developing a romantic relationship with an Non-Sexual Asexual** or Non-Sexual “Ace”* (BTW, best shorthand name ever). Our relationship could be slightly complicated, with me likely having one or two additional partners (cause I’m a sexual person) but that wouldn’t diminish the value of my relationship with my Ace Partner. My Ace Partner wouldn’t be broken or “frigid” (gross terms) but he (or she, or they, who knows!) would just have different needs like ANY partner. Needs that we would figure out how to meet together.

And this doesn’t even cover the fact that sex can exist outside a relationship and be perfectly healthy. It doesn’t mean I’m afraid of intimacy or closeness. It means people don’t need those things for sex to be enjoyable and healthy. I currently don’t have a partner of any kind and mostly have sex with one nighters, but I have deep relationships with my friends and allies and would reject the idea that these people are LESS important or could be MADE LESS IMPORTANT if I was in a relationship. The concept itself horrifies me. I could not/will not ever REDUCE the importance of important people in my life to “make room” for someone else. It’s cohabitation or nothing for me.

People who enforce traditional relationship styles (and there are LGBT folk who do this) to me are quite uncreative and boring. Exclusive Monogamy is great if it’s something you want, but it isn’t the ONLY kind of structure we could build. They are OUR relationships. We get to design them together, to meet our needs and desires and ideas of what we want out of love, life, and if we desire it, sex. Sex isn’t the thing that makes all relationships similar, it’s that our relationships involve people who we profess to care about. The strength, passion, health, and ethics of our relationships is about those who are in them. We keep them strong, passionate, healthy, and ethical. As those people in the relationship change, so do their relationship and sometimes that means that the relationship has to end, which is totally okay too. Lets not limit ourselves to only one style when we could have ANY kind of relationship we want.

Fuck you. I’ll build a castle with my friends and lovers and chosen family. I don’t need your fucking blueprint. We are creative and strong and will build lives that incorporate each others needs rather than relying on a blueprint I KNOW will be deficient to cover the beauty and complexity of who we are.

*I can’t speak to the experience of what it’s like to be an Ace and I recommend you read something written by one of them because they would know the best way to describe their experience. But only ask questions of the ones who say it’s okay to ask. Don’t go bugging people who don’t feel like educating. If any person feels that I have misrepresented being Asexual in some problematic way, please let me know.

**Edited after commentary!